


i feel like i'm the worst (so i always act like i'm the best)

by flashlightinacave



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: 5 + 1 Things, Ben is so obsessed with Devi it's kinda funny really, F/M, Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24004120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashlightinacave/pseuds/flashlightinacave
Summary: How he wished he could wipe that smug grin off her face.The stray thought floated through his head, as if unimportant. How he wished he could kiss that smug grin off her face.The thought startled Ben, but he was careful not to let his alarm show.How could he possibly…? Why would he want…? Since when did he want to kiss Devi? No, that was not possible, his brain was just malfunctioning in his anger. There’s no way he’d ever want to kiss Devi Vishwakumar, in fact, he’d rather kiss anyone but her.or; 5 times Ben Gross wanted to kiss Devi Vishwakumar, and the 1 time she kissed him instead
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 37
Kudos: 339





	i feel like i'm the worst (so i always act like i'm the best)

**Author's Note:**

> I binged Never Have I Ever last Tuesday and I am such a fan of a good rivals to friends to lovers ship! Title is taken from "Oh No!" by Marina and the Diamonds, because I feel like that line reflects Ben a whole lot.

To say Devi Vishwakumar was a thorn in Ben Gross’ side was a huge understatement.

A more apt description is that she was a festering blister, painfully infuriating and causing more distress with each and every second.

Her grin as she showed off the Biology test she’d scored one point better than him on made his blood boil. She wasn’t mocking him with her words, only with her victorious smile and somehow that was much worse. 

He knew he’d done the same thing to Devi just last week — a shit-eating grin when he scored higher than her on a chemistry test — but that celebration had ended one broken beaker later. Ben, however, had no way to release his anger at losing to his nemesis, he would just have to beat her on the next test and hopefully every single test after that. 

How he wished he could wipe that smug grin off her face.

The stray thought floated through his head, as if unimportant. _How he wished he could kiss that smug grin off her face._

The thought startled Ben, but he was careful not to let his alarm show. 

How could he possibly…? Why would he want…? Since when did he want to kiss Devi? No, that was not possible, his brain was just malfunctioning in his anger. There’s no way he’d ever want to kiss Devi Vishwakumar, in fact, he’d rather kiss **anyone** but her. And he had a girlfriend. Sure, Shira was shallow and vain, but she was beautiful and popular and the only person attending Sherman Oaks who was possibly good enough for him. Devi wasn’t anywhere near his level, his father drove a Porsche Cayenne! 

The thought had been a blip, a meaningless error in judgement. There was no way he had meant it. _You’re sure in denial, Gross,_ his subconscious warned him sternly. “Shut up,” he murmured under his breath.

“What’s the matter, Gross? Sad that I’m back on top where I belong?” Devi taunted.

“Oh, I’ll put you back in your place next test, David, just you wait.”

Mature as ever, Devi stuck out her tongue, before turning back to face the front of the class and focus on their lesson. 

As he too returned his attention to their lesson, Ben made a vow: there was no way he was interested in kissing Devi and he would do his best to never think such horrifying thoughts again. 

* * *

Model UN had always been Ben’s thing, so he was rightfully pissed when Devi climbed aboard the bus and announced that she was coming along. He had been even more aggravated when she upstaged him in front of the entire security council and insulted the incredible solution he’d spent weeks preparing.

But when they’d worked together, they’d stumbled into a supply closet of premium wine with enough alcohol to go around, and now the entire Model UN team was toasting him and being nicer to Ben than, well, ever. 

Perhaps he and Devi did make a good team. A better team than he was willing to admit. 

Knowing it was in both of their best interests, Devi and Ben agreed to form a temporary alliance for the next day of the trip. With Devi on his side, instead of his opposition, Ben could guarantee he’d be walking home with the Best Delegate Gavel. 

Ben took another sip of his drink and fixed his eyes on Devi. She’d shed her blazer to reveal a vibrant red collared shirt that complemented her skin tone. Her eyes were alight with joy and she was smiling genuinely. Perhaps it was the alcohol screwing his brain, but Ben thought she looked kind of pretty.

It was at that moment that Ben realized he wanted to kiss her. It was a little shocking, but the buzz of the alcohol stopped him from questioning or denying it. The fact was simple and plain, he wanted to kiss Devi Vishwakumar. The more he sat with the idea in his brain the more it felt… right.

“Why are you staring at me?” Devi’s voice snapped Ben back into reality. 

“I’m not staring, David,” Ben retorted. God, he was so stupid, there was no way she was interested in him like that. She was sleeping with Paxton. _Don’t say something mean, Gross, don’t do it._

“You’re just assuming that I’m staring because you’re obsessed with me.”

The joy in Devi’s eyes vanished and she frowned. “Look, just because we’ve agreed to work together in the interest of world domination it doesn’t mean that we have to be friends.”

Ben felt his heart sink a little. Really, G _ross, it matters that much to you?_ Ben was annoyed that alcohol seemed to make his subconscious so vocal, he’d hoped that being inebriated would shut his brain up. “Yeah, of course. We’re allies for tomorrow, after that, I go back to being your academic superior.”

“Correction, I go back to being **your** academic superior,” Devi asserted. 

Ben chuckled, he could help but feel strangely endeared by Devi’s typical abrasiveness. _Endeared? Since when?_

Devi was smiling again as if she felt victorious in their little disagreement. Though they’d only just been throwing insults at one another, this buzzed conversation lacked the usual animosity that filled their arguments. Rather than like their typical bickering as arch-rivals, this conversation felt like teasing between friends. 

It was at that moment that Ben realized he was completely and entirely screwed.

* * *

Dinner at Devi’s house with her mother and cousin could easily be described as one of the most jovial moments of Ben’s life. Sure, the food was spicier than anything he was used to and there was constant bickering, but it was still a family dinner. Ben couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten a meal with something directed at him other than Patty’s sympathy or Shira’s indifference. While Nalini’s invitation was born out of pity, by the time they sat down for the meal none of the commiseration Ben had expected to find in the eyes of Devi’s family was present.

To show his appreciation for being invited into their home, Ben had offered to help put away dishes. He swore he’d heard Devi mumble “suck up,” at first, but one stern glance from her mother was enough to shut her up. 

“Thanks for not ratting me out about Model UN,” Devi said with sincerity Ben was not used to hearing. She continued to dry a large pot. “I’ve kind of been a dick to you lately, so I honestly would have deserved it.”

Ben never imagined showing any sort of vulnerability around his nemesis, but the words tumbled out before he could stop himself. “Yeah, well, sometimes it’s fun to make people’s days as shitty as yours, but today I just didn’t have it in me.”

They continued to chat as they put away dishes. Devi asked Ben why he was feeling bummed and he tried to explain his ever-present loneliness. He shocked himself by apologizing for messing things up for her and Paxton when Devi said something surprising.

“I never had sex with Paxton.”

Ben’s eyes shot wide open in alarm. “What?”

“I never had sex with Paxton,” Devi repeated. She shrugged her shoulders. “I just let everyone believe that I did.” There was a sorrowful look in her eyes, one that told Ben she felt the same lonely ache that he did. 

Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever felt bad for Devi before, and even if he had he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt sympathetic enough to be vulnerable with her. Yet, here he was, trying to make Devi feel better by revealing his pathetic insecurities. Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so comfortable being so openly vulnerable with someone. His parents were never home and Shira was vacuous and shallow. Being able to talk about his feelings with someone made Ben feel lighter than he had in a long time.

Minutes later Ben and Devi were laughing together, something he didn’t think they’d ever done. They’d been rivals since the first grade, every one of their interactions charged with hostility and combatance. Ben was used to laughing at Devi or having her laugh at him, but he’d never laughed with her before. The way her eyes crinkled, the way she smiled, the melodious tone of her laugh was beautiful.

“The lies are always just so much prettier, you know?” Devi sighed and shook her head. “It was just… easier to let people believe that I’d slept with the hottest guy in school than correct them and say that I panicked when he took off his shirt. You were right, Ben, when you called me the UN, I guess I am just an unfuckable nerd.”

“No, David,” Ben sighed. “I really am sorry I said that about you, you didn’t deserve it.”

“It’s okay,” Devi replied. “I’m not upset about it anymore.” 

“Really? I wouldn’t blame you if I were, I was pretty awful to you.”

“You’re right, you were awful to me, but I was awful to you too.” Devi took a deep breath and gripped the edge of the kitchen counter. “But I kind of appreciated it. 

“Sorry?” Ben asked.

“Yeah, I can’t believe I’m saying this but,” Devi chuckled, “after everything that happened, you were the only one who still treated me like a real person. You were consistent, the same thorn in my side and pain in my ass you’d always been.” 

“Happy to be of service,” Ben replied. “You’re right, it is a lot easier to lie. It’s easier to brag about how successful my father is than it is to say that I don’t think he cares about me at all.”

Devi arched an eyebrow. “Oh, so you’re not just an entitled jerk? Who could have possibly known?”

Ben swatted her arm. “Hey, I knew.”

Devi laughed again, her laugh like sunshine, warming Ben to the cockles of his heart. He wasn’t sure whether he liked or hated this new effect Devi was having on him. As Devi intently focused on drying off a large pot, Ben felt his eyes drift down to her lips. 

He knew this wasn’t the first time he’d thought about kissing her, but it was the first time he’d thought she might be interested. Now that he knew she wasn’t with Paxton, maybe Ben had a chance.

All he’d have to do would be tuck her hair before her ear and press his lips to hers. Not a tall order for someone of his high esteem.

But it was also, Ben realized, a terrible idea. 

Devi’s mother was in the other room and as was her cousin, Kamala. If they walked in on him kissing Devi, that would be humiliating. Furthermore, he and Devi had just established friendly terms, he didn’t want to ruin that by making a faux romantic pas at her.

Ben prided himself in making smart decisions, not decisions that got him kicked out of Devi’s home or put him on even worse terms with her than before. 

As someone who prided himself for his intelligence, he certainly wouldn’t let himself make such a stupid choice here and now.

* * *

Ben’s birthday party had been nothing but miserable until he’d gotten to spend some of it with Devi. He’d given her a tour of his house before showing her his screening room, which interestingly none of his other guests had yet invaded. They’d had a heart to heart, something that was becoming more frequent in their relationship. Devi had presented him with the only birthday present anyone had bothered to give him, smiling softly at him and that was when Ben had decided to do something stupid.

Two stupid somethings, actually. He’d tried to kiss Devi. Twice.

Thoughts of pressing her lips to hers had been constant in Ben’s mind recently and it had seemed like the perfect moment. They were alone and she’d smiled at him, something Ben’s stupid brain had decided to take as an invitation. So he’d leaned in, hand reaching up to gently cup her cheek, and shut his eyes, expecting fireworks when their lips finally met. 

Only they never did. Instead, Devi pulled away from him shocked and cut straight to the point. “Woah, did you just try and kiss me?”

Mortification descended over Ben. “No,” he responded, denial being his first strategy of defence. “Yes, I’m sorry. I don’t…” his voice wobbled, “I don’t know what I was thinking. Just forget I did that.”

Devi nodded. “It’s cool.” She flashed him another quick smile, before leaning back in her seat. 

“It’s cool?” So maybe she was okay with kissing him, then. Maybe he’d just shocked her the first time. Before Ben could think through his decision more logically, he was leaning in once more. 

Only to have Devi pull away from him yet again. “Ben! What the hell?” Her voice softened and she added, “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Fuck. “Yeah. I’m an idiot um…” _Maybe she would have let him kiss her if he wasn’t dating Shira?_

Ben could help the disappointment pooling in his heart when Devi stood up and told him she was going to get a drink.

It was ironic, Ben had always mocked Devi by claiming she was obsessed with him when now he was obsessing over her. 

She was usually on his mind as he’d plotted how to take her down (academically speaking), but never in this way before. Now all Ben could think about was her chocolate brown eyes, her musical laugh, and those thin pink lips that he was so desperate to kiss. He didn’t think he’d ever wanted to kiss someone so badly. Even with Shira, he’d felt very little, kissing her was simply his duty as a boyfriend.

When he thought about kissing Devi, it was always deeper and more meaningful. He imagined kissing her and never being able to stop, wrapping her up in his arms and moaning her name. He imagined that kissing Devi would be as much a battle for dominance as their ongoing rivalry, but tinged with sweetness and heart. 

With his stupid decisions tonight, kissing Devi seemed to be floating further and further from reality. He hoped he’d be able to pass off his stupid attempt to kiss her twice tonight as the lingering effects of alcohol.

He hoped he’d be able to keep his heart in check when she inevitably turned him down.

* * *

“Can I move in with you?”

The words came as a shock to Ben. This was not the response he’d expected to his bumbling lack of an apology for trying to kiss her twice. But how could he possibly say no? He found himself distracted thinking about how lovely it would be to have another person in his large, lonely home. 

“It’s just things aren’t good with my mom right now and I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Shit, Ben realized, he hadn’t answered her question. Her eyes were filled with panic and vulnerability. In the years he’d known Devi Vishakumar, he’d never seen her look so scared. “Of course you can.”

The panic in Devi’s eyes faded, replaced with relief, her small smile as beautiful as ever. Then apprehension flitted across her expression. “Are you sure your parents will be okay with it?”

Ben snorted. “I’m certain they’ll be okay with it, in fact, it will probably make them feel less guilty about constantly leaving me.”

Ben was right, his parents were perfectly fine with Devi moving in and when Devi promised not to behave as their last border had, she was immediately accepted.

That night Devi and Ben sat across from one another eating dinner. “Sorry, I know this isn’t as spicy as you’re used to.”

“Don’t be, I haven’t had meat for dinner in a long time, I’m pretty sure my mom wants to convert me to a vegetarian.” 

Ben chuckled. “If you don’t mind me asking,” Ben began, careful to be considerate, “what happened between you and your mom?”

Devi’s fork clattered as she dropped it onto her plate. “She wants to move us back to India,” Devi said quietly.

Ben’s eyes widened with alarm. He couldn’t lose Devi, not now. “What? No, she can’t do that! Who would be on my level academically if you left?”

“Which is exactly why I’m here with you, if I’m not living in her house she can’t force me to move.”

“Well, since she has custody over you she technically can,” Ben corrected, before Devi’s snarl made him realize he was being an insensitive jerk. “Of course, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.”

“Thanks, Ben, I appreciate it.” There was a certain vulnerability in Devi’s tone. A genuineness he was starting to associate with her and with her developing relationship. A swirl of emotions he'd buried deep reemerged as Ben realized how much he wanted to kiss her. It’d be easy, stretching across the small table they were seated to meet her would require little effort. 

_Not now, Ben,_ his subconscious warned him sternly, reminding him of the last time he attempted to kiss Devi. _Especially not now that she’s being so open with you, you don’t want to lose that, do you? Besides, kissing a girl when she’s so emotionally compromised would not be a good choice._

He was pulled from his thoughts by Devi’s voice. “Ben, you’re staring.”

“I…” There was little use denying it and the next words tumbled out of his mouth impulsively and without thought. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

She smiled and Ben’s heart soared. 

That night he texted Shira to break up with her. She responded with a simple “K” and an unfollow on Instagram (which lead to half their class also unfollowing him), but Ben couldn’t find it in himself to care one bit.

* * *

Devi Vishwakumar had just kissed him and Ben Gross still couldn’t believe it. 

She’d kissed him because she’d wanted to and Ben was pretty sure his brain was short-circuiting. 

He was lucky it didn’t require a fully functioning brain to kiss her back. 

His hand fully cupped the back of her head as he finally, finally kissed her. Her lips were soft yet firm and had a sweet taste that he couldn’t quite recognize. Her hair was silky soft between his fingertips and Ben felt her hand drift drown from his cheek to his neck to his chest, where it rested against his thundering heart. 

Kissing Devi Vishwakumar was both everything he expected it to be and nothing like what he expected at all. The fireworks and passion, he’d expected and he embraced, but it was nothing like the battle for dominance he’d imagined. Kissing Devi was no battle at all, but rather a dance. It was a tango, one — unbeknownst to even himself — he had been waiting for since the first day they’d met. 

When they separated it was for the trivial need of oxygen, something Ben wished he could do without — anything for Devi’s perfect lips to be pressed against his once more. 

“Wow,” Devi breathed, unable to keep from beaming. “That was…”

“Yeah,” Ben answered, shocked by his breathlessness. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”

“I think it’s always been you, but I didn’t want to admit it,” Devi laughed and added, “I’ve been kinda dumb.”

“You are dumb,” Ben murmured his voice blooming with affection. 

Devi elbowed him. “No, you’re dumb.” She rested her free hand on the curve of his shoulder. Well, I really like you, so would it be dumb if I kissed you again.”

Ben chuckled. “On the contrary.” He leaned in to teasingly peck her lips. “I think it would be the smartest thing you could possibly do.”


End file.
